How great thou art

Today we went for a drive to san fran's golden bridge, we climbed on top of the montain beside it, after an hour of traffic and walking, we stood on top of the montain, looking down at the tiny pebbles of cars and people, with a grand view of the pacific and san francisco, couldnt help but praising God's creation, it looked so beautiful, so glorious from the top, truly one cant help but question who designed and created this marvelous scene, "then sings my SOUL my saviour God to thee, how GREAT thou art, how GREAT thou art." Words cant described how majestic the scene was, and that is merely a GLIMPSE of God's CREATION, how much more majestic would the real thing be? how much more majestic would the creator be?

I cant afford to hold back

I went to another fellowship from the same churched called pure heart, joined the younger group. We sang worship songs Karaoke style, its like a dream come true hahaha, always wanted to do that at karaokes, cos usually i dont know the songs they sing, but also worship songs is that much cooler, havnt jumped and danced around like that in a while. It's really freeing, we stood on our chairs at the end and declared and made a commitment to change. time to be a man of my words.

Sometimes I wonder if i have been truly set free, or did i put on a fake smile as if i'm free so that others dont have see the burdens i carry, or people wont think its very christian of me that i'm still bound by stuff, people would think less of me if i dont serve God wholeheartedly, that i'm still holding back. I cant afford to hold back anymore, this time i'm facing an opponent that draws out the best and worst of me. I know i already have victory, but i cant guarantee that i'll win, its a wierd thought, but that what i'm thinking, we proclaimed that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today, i smiled cos enoch was saying a while ago that every day is better than the previous one, so everyday is the best day of my life, cos each day we get that much closer to God. I dont wanna falter on this one, tomorrow will be better than today, God's guaranteed, i'm not going to allow myself to be miserable tomorrow, i dont have to be in a good mood, but i will rejoice cos its better than the day before.
the worship was great, but the small talk after is always awkward, i dont know them, they have no reason to talk to me except to be nice, i have nothing to say to them cos i know i wont remember anything of their names, and i'm skeptical if they remember mine, but that doesnt matter, i'm just tired of telling people i'm from cananda, tired of saying yes to whether or not i know yun ping, dont get me wrong, they're great people, i just dont like this stage of getting to know them. I'm glad i can share with one guy that its a blesing to be here, i felt tongue tied, i felt i was outta words, i felt awkward, i have 2 weeks, i cant build a reasonably deep relationship with any of you, yet you try to make me feel welcome, funy usually the people that make an attempt to talk to me is usually the ones that have the most stuff to do at the fellowship, like leading worship and such, i kinda miss the one on one relationship i built in TO, in london, but i know if i stay here long enough i can also build my own, except i wont, i'm just here to take, to mooch off them, i'm not ashamed, they're here to give, i'm here to take, i'm thankful that God provided for me to take, so i'll gonna take all i can, eat all i can of spiritual food, so i can take it back to ACF, i want my rest, and God's given it, PTLs.

overwhelmed

what can I say. just been in San fran for 2 days. Second day went to a family small group at forerunners church, one word, overwhelmed. The good kind. Start off with dinner, nothing much to say about that. anyways, onto the worship, when it started it blew my mind away. really powerful, i love the waiting on God before worship, they spend sometime right before worship starts to just wait on God, listening with piano playing. People there are solid, God loving, vulnerable and honest. i just felt rested there, just know that i can worship so freely, truly amazing. It's hard to admit, but people there yelled louder than me, they really SHOUTED to the LORD, cried out, people who needed healing cried out in agony, people with thanksgiving cried out with joy, amongst the shouting and praising is my heart, trembling with emotions i cant describe, but peace among all others. We sang a song that really got me, not got TO me, but got me. the words were basically, i am beautiful and noble, you say to me: very good, very good. I couldnt sing that for a while cos i know what i am, i dont think i'm either beautiful or noble, in fact very much the opposite, but the last words got me, i should think about myself the same way God think about me, he say to me very good, very good, so i should just have humility and say yes Lord, I am what you say I am.
How fitting that today's topic was humility, actually the whole year's topic is humility, the woman who was leading the study shared, mostly about her own life, her struggles for the last week, with her husband, their arguments and stuff, but she shared about how she do things, how she's scared of critisims, how she's scared of being yelled at cos she has such high standards for herself, shoot, i've never experienced such a blatant attempt by God to talk to me, it was almost...overwhelming, i knew right then and there who she was talking to, at least who God is trying to talk to through her. then later another people shared about how she always does stuff to please others...dang, two strikes in a row, who are these guys? did they study up on me before i came? how could they? maybe ypl shared a little too much? how else could they know? no one but God.
Then we split off into small...er groups to pray for each other, we shared about our struggles to be humble at workplace, its one of the first time i hear my dad share about his life in a christian context in a while, even though i was kinda skeptical of the things he said, but i tried to encourage him with God's words none the less, the host family reminds me to many families back in TCAC, so loving and caring, yet filled by the HS. Wish I could stay there forever, they were anouncing about their upcoming programs, like training on healing others, dang, training on interceding prayers, dang...i have gotta get me some of that.
all in all, i was pretty blown away, i'm happy for my parents, almost jealous, but its a good thing, cant wait till they grow, and i cant wait what more God has to show me over the next couple of weeks.
PTLs indeed, he has brought me here to be with him, and that i will do. Thanks pops

its been a while

since i've blogged last time. i feel like i 've been just a walking corpse or a zombie, doing the bidding of those that requires of me. dont really know what i'm doing, counting down the days till i leave, theres so much to do, so much people to see, yet i feel i'm constantly seeing people. feel so useless, i hate making small talks, i wanna know you, not the side of you that u wanna show me. feel so fake, i hate telling people about my day, screw my day, i wanna tell u about my future. feel so depressed, i hate leaving, i've left so many places, each one just gets harder, i wanna make the time continue longer, but i cant. theres so much happened, but i dont wanna talk about any of it here, seems theres too many to even start. i dont have AC, so yesterday morning i woke up at 6 from the heat, thought i was gonna die, every night before i go to bed i pray that i will see another day, i wanna live, yet i dont feel alive, i pray that i dont die, but i dont pray that i wanna live, it so strange, its like all i want is to not die, anything above and beyong i dont really care. So what am i living for? For his glory and his renown, if there was no hope of seeing his name proclaimed i got nothing. i dont feel anything nowadays when i sing, but i sing anyways, Lord show me something, show me a glimpse of your glory so that i know what u can give is so much more than what the world can offer, show me you are better than the riches of this world, show me you are better than pornography, show me u are better than playing softball. Show me your glory Lord, let me not continue in my ways but abide in yours, let this decaying body of mine walk in your Spirit, even if it kills me. Actually sometime i think to die for God is too easy, long suffering seem to be harder, either way, i consider all i have now as loss, compare to KNOWING YOU, let me know you half as much as you know me. Please