time to let go

I know i havnt kept up with blogging, so i decided to come back and visit almost a year after my last entry. I'm at San francisco. So the story takes place on the court. I went out the other day by myself to go play some ball, there was a playground close enough by my house. After I got there I found myself having the entire court by myself, but not for long. This black guy twice my size came and gestured for the ball. Out of respect I let him shoot a few, then he asked for a one on one. So the situation is, I havnt played for 3 months, so i just came to get back my touch, even on my best i dont think i have anything on this guy, let alone now, so naturally i said yes. :)

After 2 games, which i lost both 21 to nothing, he said u should play hard, to which I objected, excuses came:"I havnt played for 3 months, i'm asian and i'm half ur size." i didnt say the second part out loud. To which he said: doesnt matter, u just gotta try harder. at this point I thought i cant talk to this guy, he doesnt do excuses, and i caught myself thinking that, to which i smiled and thought, i'm gonna talk to this guy.

We talked about basketball, NBA, politics, racial differences in politics, then he said i'm a christian (not outta the blue but yea) his views has been very similar to mine and it turns out we're very agreeble to each other's opinions. And when it came to the Bible this guy knew his verses. I told him about simple churches, told him God's calling for me next year, told him my views on our relationship with God and how we're falling short of a personal relationship. So from opponents to brothers in Christ, it took almost 3 hours, but it was worth it. We talked about doing a Bible study together or possibly go out to evangelise, whatever God calls us.

So that's the prelude to the thought. I realised something while I was playing against him. There was a reason why I didnt try my best. I failed short of my best and thats usually not acceptable in my books. So I was wondering why i didnt play hard. I realised I didnt wanna lose face, i didnt wanna reach my limit, i wanna make myself look like i still got room to go so that I wont feel so weak and pathetic in front of him. I dont wanna play till i drop, cos i'm still holding onto my last ounce of self pride. That's why its time to let go. play like there's no tomorrow, like theres no return, leave everything on the court, thats what i tell myself all the time, but for that moment i forgot, and i lost, i lost big. the pain of losing my pride was worse than losing itself and thats not right. i'd rather lose completely than to give up my pride. Wow. My sword need some sharpening, pray for me.